What Is Gottman Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy can carry a bad reputation. There’s a stigma that if a couple needs couples therapy, it must mean their relationship is struggling or on the verge of failure. Happy couples don't fight... right?
Technically, that’s incorrect. Both parties in the relationship are unique individuals and have their own identities—aside from the couple’s identity. Healthy communication habits involve having healthy disagreements.
Instead of viewing conflict as a negative, it should be perceived as an opportunity for growth and enhancement. That's where the Gottman Method comes into play.
The Gottman Method
Psychologists Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman developed the framework known as the Gottman Method based on over 40 years of research. From there, they created the Gottman Institute and have since earned worldwide recognition.
The Gottman Method poses the idea that all couples require five times as many positive interactions than they receive negative ones. This method focuses on the predictable patterns that couples easily fall into. It aims to help couples understand how they react towards each other, how to repair dynamics in light of conflict, how to meet each other's needs, and maintain fondness and admiration.
The Four Horsemen
Gottman has identified four indicators that lead to strain and feelings of discontent and are often predictive of divorce. These indicators have become known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They include:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
With use of this method, there is emphasis placed on recognizing when these four patterns are present and learning how to replace them with healthier options.
The Sound Relationship House Model
Negative interactions impact the brain. When these interactions take place, it’s also important to have counteracting experiences. Gottman found that a secure relationship is like a house, having walls and levels that are built upon.
The house in this model has seven floors and two weight-bearing walls.
Floor 1: Love Maps
Stability begins with a solid foundation of knowing each other. A love map is a guide to your partner’s likes and dislikes, values, ideals, and memories, all the way to their preference for relaxation strategies and stress management. By creating a love map, you learn your partner better than anyone else.
Floor 2: Fondness and Admiration
No matter who you are, you will appreciate hearing nice sentiments. A healthy relationship consists of partners who can articulate their fondness and admiration towards their partner.
Floor 3: Turn Towards Each Other
During periods of need, it’s natural to turn to your partner. The response from your partner is to either turn towards you or turn away. By recognizing each other’s bids, you can choose to turn toward each other and establish a safe space.
Floor 4: Positive Perspective
When you’re in a healthy relationship, you have an understanding of the power of perspective. You’re willing and able to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, knowing you’re on the same team.
Floor 5: Manage Conflict
Conflict is inevitable and knowing what to do matters. You’re able to acknowledge your partner, have open conversation, and maintain a sense of calmness during conflict.
Floor 6: Life Dreams
Having a supportive partner is essential. You both want what’s best for your partner and are willing to do what it takes to make that a reality.
Floor 7: Shared Meaning
This floor is similar to the first floor, but you’re building an understanding about the world around you as a team.
The Weight Bearing Walls
The floors don’t mean much without the support of trust and commitment. A healthy relationship consists of choosing to love your partner and weathering the storm that life may throw at you.
How Gottman Can Help
Gottman can be personalized to the needs of the client while helping them to develop new skills that can be applied in the real world. These skills reduce the likelihood of falling into negative patterns.
If you're intrigued about the Gottman Method, contact us today to learn more.